there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
