His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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