Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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