I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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