I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
