His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
