I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
