ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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