Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
