You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
