I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
