That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
