I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
