You made me cry and you don't even care
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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