My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When did angry sex become our thing?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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