I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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