We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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