Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
