I'm so fucking centered right now
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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