I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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