He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
