There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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