like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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