the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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