It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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