Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
