i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
