Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
