living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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