those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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