i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
