so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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