4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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