Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
