winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
