At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
