theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
