you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
