His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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