fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He did a backflip because drugs
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
