why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
