Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
