I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
