We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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