The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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