its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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