Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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