??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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