Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
