He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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